I have decided on making this blog the one about pop culture/entertainment, games and such. It seems that this one will better suit my needs to talk about things happening around the world than the other one on tumblr. My tumblr account does a better job of really expressing my life and its ease of use makes it even more reliable than this blog.

In hindsight, I am sad to see this blog go to nothing more than a former shadow of itself. I will miss ranting here about things in my life experiences and will miss communicating my many thoughts here. It there is someone who does read this blog, go ahead and check out my tumblr account if you still want to follow up on my life:

http://www.changinglane.tumblr.com

Who knows, maybe a few things about my life may end up here.

I guess when you see/view your life at critical points you tend to think about how you got into the situation and all the trials and tribulations you went through to get there. I mean, it becomes very much like a big life crisis/contemplation. Its hard to question your life and how you COULD have lived it. Two big questions occupy my brain at the moment that exemplify these ideas:

-What if I had chosen another path?

If I had only studied harder, if I had only payed more attention, if, if ,if ,if, if…It becomes a long list. Sure. If I had taken that extra time to care for some things I would have been better off today. If I had taken time out of my weekend to just finish those tasks maybe I wouldn’t be in this mess. The “What If” game gets old for me. I see every obstacle and as a new life experience. I wouldn’t be the person I am today.

-Is it too late to choose another path?

This one is more of a problem for me to answer. It seems at this point that I don’t know what I’m going to do. I know that I have to get a job to pay for school. I don’t mind getting a job- I’ve always wanted to work anyway. Long hours, late hours, it doesn’t matter, I’ve always wanted a sense of working to earn my living. I don’t know what these problems hold for the rest of my family though. I know that all our schedules will change, thats for sure.

No matter what the outcome, although again I do know what it is, we will still be a family. We will still continue to live on and charge forward. We will still be able to walk with our heads held high and be able to move on from this predicament. What I do know is that life moves on and we cannot steadily control the ever-changing flow of life’s river. We must embrace what it has to offer us, and swim its constant changing tide.

Although it may be a relief to me, I still have the guilt eating away at me telling me that it won’t be okay. This whole situation changes everything I’ve worked for and everything that I have put my life on hold to do. It’s such a life changing situation that I cannot fathom the very exact outcome of it. The only thing I can do is pray.

Now I’ve mentioned before that I’m not one to really be really involved in my faith. It usually just consists of going to church on Sundays and then leaving to go home right after. Now that I think about it, God has only become a convenience to me, only asking for his help when I needed it or when I was in dire situations like this one. But I want to be closer to God so that I don’t have to beg and plead for things to happen, he must give me strength to do it, if and when I deserve it. Right now, I don’t think I am deserving of God’s grace right now. Praying is something we do to make sure our voices/thoughts are heard. You never know, maybe God is considering putting a little miracle in your life.

I may try- no, I WILL try tonight to ask for a little bit of God’s grace and see what he has in store for me. If nothing, then I assume that he needs me to work a little harder in life and focus on other things.

Sleep is something that I have never taken for granted. Whenever I had the chance, I usually and almost always slept. It has allowed me to forget about the daily problems of life and focus on resting my body to deal with those problems/stresses later on. Although I’ve slept for so long already I feel as if I have no energy at all. I keep yawning and stretching, trying to find comfort from waking up at midnight from my long nap but for some reason, I think that sleep may have drained my energy- not replenished it.

Its funny. In the past few weeks I have been looking up for ways to fall asleep because I have had trouble falling asleep yet when I get home and lie down to rest I instantly fall asleep for 4+ hours! I wondering if its the fact that I’m waking up earlier (roughly 5:00 in the morning) and up and moving until I get home at 3:00pm. Another thing that may contribute to this paradigm may be the fact that I spend a lot of time watching television or surfing the net/using my computer. I have read somewhere that watching a screen can cause insomnia and actually delays our sleep for quite some time, probably until we get bored with watching it.

The late nights at home when I am on the computer are my best nights because I am in the company of family at home but alone in the sense that everyone is sleeping right now. It gives me peace of mind knowing that my family is safe and sound and resting for whatever tomorrow brings. It is also gives me my downtime where I don’t have to worry about all these problems too.

Sometimes I look at my brother and contemplate the times when we were little and living in California. I miss those days when we could just be ourselves and live life carefree. Those days are long gone now that we’re older. Now we’re faced with problems that we don’t know how to solve and people and our  relationships we don’t know if we want to keep. I walk around the house sometimes to think about how we got to where we are today. I think about my Mom and brothers and wonder what they think about everyday. I love them all so much and only want for everyone to be happy. In an ideal world, everything would be perfect and stress-free.

Maybe I’ll go to sleep to dream up this world.

GOOD NIGHT.

Cloudy Sky Panorama from flickr John “K”

Here I am again, Monday night, 10 pm writing another WordPress blog. It seems that I will be able to keep up with this considering that the past few days’ blogs have been very eventful and easy to write! So this time I’m sticking to my promise of having to write this and chronicle my life.

School was a pain today. The air was so frigid today that I found myself ducking frequently into buildings just to harvest in their heated goodness. And if that wasn’t trouble enough, I had 3 TESTs today! Yes 3! The first two seemed to be really okay since I concentrate on these subjects more. The last one- I don’t think I did so great. I really need to keep up with my schoolwork more these days since I am in the potential of losing everything I have worked for thus far. And to top it all off, I have to do a presentation in my psychology class on Wednesday where my peers will grade me based on level of interest and presentation skills. In no way am I a good public speaker; I always have the notion before a presentation that everything will go according to how I planned it out, but it always ends up the opposite way. From past presentations, I have fidgeted, stuttered, gulped, etc. I always feel as if I don’t know the material well enough, even though I have been studying it for weeks! That’s all I have for school.

REFLECTION TIME:

I really think that I need to be more conscientious of people around me and what they’re feeling/thinking to get a sense of how I am as a person. Recently I noticed that I haven’t been a very good friend lately. I tend to interrupt people when they speak, interject and butt into people’s conversations, that sort of thing. Another thing is staying true to my word. Truthfulness, ah what a word. I find that more and more, I lie to maintain my image as a competent individual, but in reflection really am not. Pride is the main thing with it- our family has been built up on such high values and morals that sometimes I cannot conform to them, so I lie to try and maintain that balance. It works out sometimes, and sometimes doesn’t. This is one big thing I need to work on.

Also, I would like to be more true to myself. I need to know when to quit when I am doing something wrong or on a lying rampage. Also, I would like to be closer to God. It seems that I have been putting faith aside as the last of my affairs- it has been reduced to being just a Sunday morning thing for me and I would like to change that. Part of playing piano in church is my way of getting back into the flow of it, as it is my way of expressing my faith. It just seems that I have lost touch with my faith with everything going on (school, home life, friends, etc). I think that once I get back into living for myself and my family I will truly have peace of mind.

Long post, I know, but I need to say these things in order for me to express my understanding and acceptance of my problems. It shows that I am fully aware of the world around me and shows my preparedness for life in the future. Signing off for tonight-

GOOD NIGHT world.

“We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope.“
–   Martin Luther King

So continuing from the previous post, SUNDAY was definitely the highlight of the weekend. Of course we had to go to church in the morning first. I did not play piano today because the music was so difficult to understand!

One thing about piano is that as an instrument, you command every single little note that comes out of it. The other thing about it is that you need to make those notes work for you- NOT AGAINST YOU. And thats my disposition with piano sometimes: I CANNOT READ NOTES!!! I have always had this notion that if I learned the music/songs by ear/play by ear (which I do) I would never have to even learn what that note in the musical staff 4 lines down with a ‘#’ attached to it was or how to play it.

Anyway, long story short, I ended up having to actually learn the notes for the song I was to play in church. It didn’t take me more than a couple minutes to write up the notes on the sheet music before I was playing the song like pro on the piano. But I decided that I would not play this morning because of my other disposition/problem with the piano- hitting the wrong keys/messing up, especially in front of a crowd, or congregation. I told the music director for our church that I would rather play next Sunday. In the end, I found out I was practicing the wrong song anyway when the organist/pianist went and played a different song. FAIL.

FOOTBALL. My little brother, youngest of us 4, won tickets to the a football game, enough for all 4 of us brothers to go!!! We went directly after church so that we wouldn’t get caught in all the traffic and such. As my first time being in the stadium as  a spectator, it was really hard finding out about where to get what, how to get where and when to get what (sorry for the confusion, I don’t feel like being very specific here). Parking was $25!!! Can you believe that?!! We had to walk an additional .75 miles just to get to the stadium, not inside yet. We had to quickly find out seats because the game was set to start at 1:00 and we only had about 20-30 minutes let to find them.

We didn’t stay the whole time to avoid postgame-day traffic downtown so we headed out 7 minutes into the last quarter. I learned that the home team won only after we got home and I have gotten up from my long nap.

That brings us to here, right now. I am trying to study for 3 tests (midterms to be exact) which I all take TOMORROW. I wonder if professors/teachers purposefully schedule exams all on the same day just to phase out us students. The idea is plausible considering all those tests they have to grade, right?

GOOD NIGHT world. I’m going to end here so I can recoup from today’s excitements and prepare for the long day ahead.

I need to get a jumpstart on this blogging thing so that it becomes a routine thing, yaknow? I have always been enthralled by how dedicated someone can be when they put their all into writing a blog, and actually keeping up with it! Having to make up new topics, having to keep concentrated on the topic at hand and not get bored with it, it gets so hard to even blog with all these other problems at hand.

Anyway, I have a very good weekend, If I say so myself. Friday was sort of a letdown though. After class I went to go pick up by younger brothers from their bus stop [They take two different buses (a result of being enrolled in magnet schools a ways from home)].

Insert: I miss doing that. It seems that I never have any time anymore to just spend time with them. I mean, I do see them after school at home everyday but it just seems like the only time we REALLY see each other is on the weekend when we don’t have to be anywhere but of our own accord.

After getting home with the boys, we just went off to play our separate games until dinner and late night. Saturday was sort of like that in the morning, with the early wake up for breakfast and then play games until  afternoon. I got a call earlier that day from a friend who was having a joint-birthday party for her and her sister (20 and 26 respectively). A lot of our church friends and group friends were going to be there so I willfully obliged. The get-together lasted until late but was full of piano playing, singing and a lot of eating with moments of banter and laughter throughout the night.

My brother and I went home, tired from the day’s events and the previous week’s turmoil and trouble/work. I slept well though. Since this is getting long, I’ll post another one about Sunday’s events…

To Be Continued…

This whole headache needs to stop soon or I could easily lose my mind. Actually I think I already have…

I will try to get out as soon as possible. It might even be next week once I muster up enough courage to confront them. I need to get out because I am in need of freedom to do things on my own, without someone barking orders at me.

By getting out, I am willfully claiming myself a FAILURE. I failed everyone and anyone that backed me up. My friend’s and family’s disappointment will be hard to bear, but I will get through it. Each and every day is an obstacle to me and this program is the largest hurdle to overcome. Once I get over, I will then and again become an independent person.

To my friends who view me as a failure, I am sorry. To my family who I have failed, I am sorry. To anyone who seems discredited or failed in anyway from this, I am sorry. I have caused you all much hardship and trouble and it is time for it to stop.

TODAY: Military…TOMORROW: Civilian.

I think all things that end are bittersweet.

I know, I know…FAIL.

Well, I’m writing again, and its because I’m ranting and blowing off steam.

So right now I’m in a tight situation where big changes in my life are about to occur. REALLY BIG CHANGES. I have to decide whether or not I’m gonna go through with this whole scholarship deal. I mean, I want to continue but I can’t stand being in it any longer. If get out, I will be free from all these problems stemming from the stipulations of the scholarship. The problem is that if I do decide to quit, I will be disappointing a lot of people. A lot of people have been cheering me on from behind and telling me to continue. My family, friends, relatives, everyone.

And what’s even worse is that they don’t know what’s going through my head.

I’d like to say that PRIDE has a lot to do with it but I really don’t know what to think anymore. It’s eating me inside out. The reason I took this scholarship was so that I could help out my family, who could never fully support me financially, in college. If I choose to take the easy way out, I will look like a failure.

I feel like I’m at the end of my ropes and that my cups’ run dry. Wow. Metaphors..

In any case, I will try again to write so that you know what’s going on.

Who read’s these things anyway? I don’t think I even have an audience. Oh well, that’s why they call it ranting…

End of Post.

Welcome to “The Expression of Curiosity,” where not everything expressed is something of particular importance or relevance to anything. I initially created this blog as a project to be handed in for my college literature class, but it turns out that this thing could serve better purposes than just being a homework assignment. If you look at the pages at the top, you can see some of my college work.

I will write daily (or at least attempt to) about my rants, feelings, issues and/or current events that are happening at the moment. Sometimes I even rant about my confrontations and problems at home and frequently use blogging as a way of letting the anger out (don’t judge me).

For right now, I will have to cut this post short because I have other matters to attend to. So if you came to visit to hear about the complications, joys, and woes of a regular teenager then you have come to the right place. If you came because you either 1. Accidentally got redirected here by some unseen, weird computer malfunction, 2. Realized that reading this junk is better than reading a book for leisure or a homework assignment, or 3. Suck so much at typing that while you were looking for ”way’on’topic” and misstroke on your keyboard, you hit ‘n’ instead of ‘f.’

I don’t know if that domain is taken yet though…

Signing off for now-